Vulnerability, Loneliness, And Where The Heck Have I Been?
You deserve an explanation. Actually, I don’t know if anyone really deserves to know what’s been going on in my life lately, but I know some of you are probably wondering where the heck I’ve been. I haven’t posted regularly in about two months, and I feel guilty about it.
I know, I know. I don’t really need to feel guilty about it. I don’t owe anyone anything. But at the same time, I owe it to myself to come to terms with what’s been going on lately and to get out all of the things that have been floating around in my mind. You see, there have been a lot of feels going on that I haven’t experienced in a while. All the feels.
So here’s what’s happened.
Most of you know that I started grad school in January. Guess what? It’s a lot of effin’ work. Ask any of my friends what I’ve been up to lately and their answer will be ‘homework.’ Of course I never expected it to be easy to juggle everything, but once it actually happens, it really hits you.
I also went through a break up. After three and a half years of being in a relationship, I’m single. It’s weird. It’s weird for so many reasons. Not having someone to do everything with. Not having someone there when you wake up in the morning. Not having someone there to plan the future with.
Here’s the even weirder thing about this situation: we’re still living together. Yup. Our lease is up in May, and we couldn’t afford to break the lease, so we’re living together until that time. People get pretty surprised when they hear that.
“Isn’t it super awkward?”
“Do you guys hang out together?”
“So how’s THAT going?”
The thing is, it was amicable. We still talk. We’re still friendly to one another. Maybe we won’t be anymore once we move out, but for now, we’re making it work. That’s all we can really do for now. Every relationship is different, so I think it’s hard for other people to comprehend how we’re able to actually live together and not be miserable all the time.
What else is happening?
Well, moving out. And moving back in with my parents. Yes, I’m almost 25 and about to be living at home again. Part of me feels hopeless. The other part is like, Hell yes, I can save some money from this non-profit salary that isn’t all that fab. I started looking for a one bedroom/studio place in the Seattle area. Not happening on my budget. I thought about finding a rando roommate but at the same time thought that I really don’t need anyone else’s drama right now (not saying all roommates are drama, but y’know…I need to do me for a bit).
There’s also been a whole lot of soul-searching going on.
Basically I’ve been trying to figure out who the hell me is. I know we all have this identity crisis when we’re in our twenties, but I honestly felt pretty secure with myself up until this new chapter. And then all of a sudden I started questioning everything I was doing. Uncertainty can do that to a person. And it’s not as if I feel insecure in my own skin because I know what I’m about, son.
But I want to get better at being me and feeling content being all by myself.
Everyone tells you that loving yourself is the first step towards being able to love anyone else. Let’s be real, I’m not trying to fall in love right now. Let’s give it some time, eh? But I know how true these words are and also how bloody difficult it is to actually love yourself unconditionally.
What I think it comes down to is not letting others be to ones to validate you. Yeah, you’ve heard that before. But damn, it’s hard to validate yourself sometimes. Some of you are probably pretty sure of your own talents and skills. I’m not. I doubt myself all the time. I get a comment from someone that says, ‘Hey I love your blog.’ That makes me feel pretty good about myself. And then I get another comment that says, ‘You ripped this idea off from so and so.’ Oh. Well I didn’t. But now I’m wondering if other people are thinking that too.
So how do you even validate yourself? Well, that’s what I’m trying to figure out. What I do know is that no one is ever going to be confident 100% of the time. That’s just not how life works. And if you are confident 100% of the time, you’re probably a cocky muthaeffa.
What have I learned from all of these changes?
From waking up alone, feeling uncertain, and turning into an anxious mess? The fact that these feelings come in waves.
I can wake up in the morning feeling unmotivated, snooze my alarm until the very last minute because I feel a knot in my stomach that I’m trying to ignore, eventually get up, take a shower, watch some YouTube videos, and suddenly feel brand new again. I get to work, grab my coffee, and do my thang. And then an hour later, I feel anxious again. The knot in my stomach is back.
What helps during a completely and utterly confusing time in life is realizing that nothing is permanent.
Your feelings, your thoughts, your worries, your situation. They are always going to change. Sometimes by themselves, sometimes because you made the decision to change them. While I may not have figured out exactly what I want from life and myself right now, I can at least feel content in knowing that life comes in waves. And when waves are coming, you can either ride them out or get sucked under. It’s always a choice.
And with that, my friends, I am officially making the choice to get back into regular blogging. All of this soul-searching has given me some really good blog writing inspiration. Booya!